I'm living and dying here. Each day, takin' it slow. Sick of my weight. Tortured by it is more like it. I'm obssessed and I know it. I'm trying though. I just look at everyone around me and feel inadequate. I'm working on a solution. Certain things help and I'm embracing them.
I'm also going nuts over this guy. We'll call him Bo. I've liked him since freshman year and last week he was at one of our theatre parties so I was so stoked. I had a lot of wine so I ended up flirting with him a LOT and he came back to my apt with me. I was so ecstatic because he's amazing. We talked about bands, and he loves all the ones I love. It was so fantastic! And I found out he was a virgin which is crazy cause he's so hot. Well he ended up sleeping here that night which was so great. Even though we both had class at 9am we still only got about an hour and half of sleep altogether. Add the headache I had the next morning and it was one hell of a day! But anyway, he left and said he was going home for the weekend but he'd get in touch with me when he got back. I was excited all weekend because I wanted to see him so bad so when Sunday rolled around I could hardly contain myself. I even switched days with one of the other dressers for laundry duty so I could go straight back after the performance. I didn't hear from him all day though which bugged me out. Then, the next day I saw him and he ignored me. Talk about crushed. I think I even dropped a few tears, which is so unlike me. But I stuck it out and later that day I saw him and he talked to me. Briefly and probably only because he had no choice, as we were walking right towards one another. Eiter way, I brightened up. So, I left a note on his door inviting him to come out to dinner with us and put my phone number on it. He called while I was out and left a message saying he couldn't go unfortunately. I didn't care though! I was just so stoked that he called!! ::giggles:: He didn't call again though and I was back to crushed. I gave it time and he ignored me in the cafeteria. So, I had my friend, who's an ASM for the show, talk to his buddy on the headset and ask what's up. He didn't know and apparently didn't even know he had stayed here that night. So I was pretty embarrassed about that. He was cool about it though. Then today Bo ignored me again at dinner. Well, needless to say, that was the last straw. I'm not good at playing games or being subtle so I tried to call him to see what was going on. I thought we connected the other night and I wasn't willing to give up without atleast knowing. I couldn't get him on the phone though so I was forced to write another note and this is what it said:
"Hi, I tried to call you a couple of times (which would've been preferable to this) but I never caught you. I wanted to ask you: Do you want me to leave you alone? Because I can do that. It's just that you've kind of been ignoring/avoiding me. Woudl you like me to ignore you back and forget about Thursday? I'd rather not but... Is it because I told you I was sick? 'Cause lots of people freak out about that so it's cool. I mean, I understand. Sorry, I'm really bad at subtlety. =o) Do you think you could just let me know though? Because I'm a little confused right now. You know my #.
LIZ"
I put that on his door right as I was leaving for the performance. I had told him about my cancer so I was wondering if that was what had scared him off. I know it probably sounds shallow to some people that someone would dismiss me for it but it's a lot to take in to deal with someone with a life-threatening illness. I really would've understood. When I got back though I had a message on my machine from him saying:
"Hey Liz, it's Bo. Sorry I haven't talked to you for a couple of days. I guess you're at that theatre thing with Tom so... I will come by tomorrow and talk to you. Okay, bye."
That made me feel so much better but now I'm dying to know which way it's going to go. I think he may just want to be friends. Or maybe he was just freaking out about Thursday night and felt awkward. Guys are weird like that sometimes. Either way, I'm on pins and needles now to see what will happen and I needed to vent.