The past few days have been some of the most amazing and the most miserable days in a long time. Don't ask me how that happened.

The miserable parts... I'm still not sure how it came about, but it's over so who cares?! LoL

The amazing parts have plunked themselves altogether and made me happy to get up each and every morning. I got to see Kelly and realized how much I missed her. We had a blast catching up and hanging out. I have talked to a ton of people from the past that I didn't even realize how much I missed. Besides Kelly, I've been in touch with Tashina, Sherri, Kyle, Tony (mmm...), Swanke, Shelly, Hinton, Bryan... Dude, the list could go on forever. It was so amazing to hear some of these voices though. So many memories I'd forgotten, washed right up into my lap and brought back the light in my smile. I also met some new people last night. Jen and I went to visit a friend of her's who's in the Army and we hung out with him and some of his battles. OMG, hotties!!! Haha. It was a blast.

I'm feeling particularly glad that I talked to Kyle. It made me remember that there is another person out there in the world who is just like me and who understands me perfectly. It's hard when you start to feel like you're the only one on the planet on your wavelength. We didn't get to talk long but it was soothing. Talking to Tony was unbelievable. No one melts me like him. An Italian stud from St. Louis? I think you can imagine! He makes every woman feel like a queen and I have to say, if he had asked me to be his I doubt I would've said no! ::giggles:: Then there's all the stuff with SW (full name witheld for personal reason, lol). He is a great guy. I hope he knows that. And I'm glad he and I are close. I always wanted us to be friends.

I guess I kind of finally feel all the joy I longed for in high school. I keep thinking back to all the miseries I experienced in that time of my life. I don't regret any of them though and I'm not bitter, b/c without them I wouldn't appreciate anything I have today.

Blah, blah, schmaltzy thoughts...

Something that could be draggin' me down some though is the two men in my life who I've tried to expel numerous times but they keep comin' back. I think both of them think of me as "their's" in some sense, and I KNOW that atleast one of them wants to m-m-.... ma-... marry ::shudder:: me. Ahh!! No no no no no nooooo!!! I just can't imagine me doing that. I can't imagine it EVER happening at this point. Who would look at ME and see a little wife driving the kids to soccer games, cooking dinner and cleaning house. It's not so much that I can't see me doing these things as I can't picture a man who I would value enough to be that for. I don't want to be married, atleast no where near anytime soon, but I fear that I may never find a man I consider worthy of me becoming that. I think I just might be too damn picky. Picky? Who, me?? Oh yeah... I know I'm holding out for a successful and commanding prince charming. I want a Shakespeare enthusiast, but also a hard-body; a romantic but not a softy; an intellecutal, but also an outdoorsman; a cultured upscale gentleman, but also a laid-back wilderness enthusiast. I'm chasing ghosts I know. Only, I'm not chasing. I'm not looking even. I wouldn't say I don't hold out hope that one day someone similar to this will come along but I don't think I'll be dissapointed if he doesn't. Either way, neither of the guys actively pursuing me are what I want. Sorry fellas!

I know I still have a lot to learn and experience about the world but I'm getting there. Right now I'm just... jubilant. And I think the Dalai Lama is right: the purpose of life is the cultivation of unconditional happiness.