I haven't felt this horrid in a LOOOOONG time. I hate that. I hate admitting that I'm biting it right now.
I despise my stupidity. I can't believe some of the things I will allow myself to believe because it makes me happy. Then of course its a swift kick in the ass when I realize what an idiot I've been. I think I honestly don't have a clue at first. I do now though... Sometimes the ignorance is better. Atleast its more comfortable. I can pretend things are fab. But they never are. Not once have they ever just been good and not too much so to be true.
I guess that when I want something I just can't see what's so obvious. Plus I want things that are rediculously out of reach. I'm so damn idealistic! I thought I was a realist. Grounded, pragmatic, sober... Sobriety, there's my first problem; or rather, crapulence. That's what inhibits my objective temperance.

"Days swiftly come and go. I'm dreaming of him. He's seeing other girls. Emotions they stir. The sun is gone. The nights are long. And I am left while the tears fall. Did you think that I would cry. On the phone? Do you know what it feels like. Being alone? I'll find someone new. Swing, swing, swing from the tangles of. My heart is crushed by a former love. Can you help me find a way. To carry on again. Wish cast into the sky. I'm moving on. Sweet beginnings do arise. He knows I was wrong. The notes are old. They bend, they fold. And so do I to a new love. Bury me (You thought your problems were gone). Carry me (Away, away, away...)" What a great song...

I never knew it could be physically painful instead of just emotionally. Like an itch you can't find or reach or something. Everytime you think you've found it, it moves to another spot and you're chasing it. Time slows way down for that kind of pain. Its so vivid that it has to be prolonged. Holy Hell, what an irony. When will it finally stop? And why do I feel like I don't have the right? I guess I don't. But I didn't know that until tonight, when I found out the rest. Oh, to have known it before... how would things've been different? I know how, and it would be nice to have another go. There should be an 'undo' button on the toolbar of life. (Hah! There's a bumper sticker!)
But there's not, and I'm done. I can be stoic. Starting now.